


when she sleeps she hears the blues and sees shades of black and white

by staubfingers



Series: New York [2]
Category: Elite (TV)
Genre: F/F, Falling In Love, Gay Panic, Getting Together, Love Triangles, Post-Season/Series 03, Various Friendships - Freeform, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:34:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23431765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/staubfingers/pseuds/staubfingers
Summary: Nadia is probably dating Lu and might be in love with her, but that doesn't make thisthingany less complicated. There is still the stupid question about her sexuality and how it fits with the way she pictured her life. And not to forget about Guzman, whom she still has feelings for, and doesn't want to tell about kissing his ex awfully lot lately.Featuring gay-panic, Lu being vegan, and various appearances of thesquad.(Reading part 1 isn'tnecessary.)
Relationships: Lucrecia "Lu" Montesinos Hendrich/Nadia Shana, slight Guzmán Nunier Osuna/Nadia Shana
Series: New York [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1685188
Comments: 17
Kudos: 81





	when she sleeps she hears the blues and sees shades of black and white

**Author's Note:**

> Actually I planed on doing something short and smutty, and now there is so much plot and hardly any smut, but I had a lot of fun writing it, so here it is. And at the moment I'm kinda ambitious to write a third part, hope I'll get it done. You don't really have to read part 1 to understand this, but be my guest if you want to.  
> Title is from _Silk_ by _Wolf Alice_ , and as always beware, English is not my first language and this will be full of mistakes.  
> Oh and heavy spoilers for season 3 ahead. (Do we still need to say it?)

This thing with Lu, and Nadia isn't ready to define it as dating and certainly not as a relationship, is _intense_. Nothing and everything has changed at once. They're still sleeping in their pushed-together beds, are helping each other study, and are spending some evenings lazying around watching bad movies, but now she is studying with Lu touching her one way or another, doesn't get what is happening in any of the movies they watch, since Lu _distracts_ her the best way possible, and she falls asleep with the lingering feeling of Lu's lips against her own. It's perfect.

What surprises her most about it (besides the thing all together) is that Lu doesn't push her to go further. A few days after Nadia met her the first time she caught Lu and Guzman having sex in the school-shower, so Lu isn't really _shy_ about her sexuality. Of course Nadia did the same thing a few months later, so who is she to talk.

But this is where the real problem lies, the problem that stops her from doing anything more with Lu than kissing: _Guzman_ . She undeniably still loves him, and everything they're are doing feels awfully like cheating. Worst thing is, Lu seems to be aware of what is going on in her mind, but doesn't say anything about it, and Nadia isn't sure whether she just doesn't care, or whether she accepts it, because not doing so would probably mean to end _this._

She isn't sure which option she prefers.

-

The first one she tells about it is Omar. She is alone in the room, they are face-timing nearly two weeks after _it happened,_ and at some point she can't keep her mouth shut any more and says, “I think I'm together with Lu.”

“Sure you are...” and then he stops in his tracks, seemingly just now realizing what she has said, “You are what, now?”

“We are not really together, at least I don't think so. She kissed me one evening and it was weird at first, but I liked it, and we didn't quiet stop, well, we're are kissing all the time now.”

“She just kissed you?” Omar asked baffled.

“Yes, I mean no. We we're sharing a bed for some time-”

“You were sharing a bed?!”

“Just as friends.”

“Sure, sis, just as friends,” he winks.

“Well, thanks, I thought I get some sort of support from you...”

“Of course I'm supporting you! Sorry, but I'm kinda confused, didn't know you were into girls, that's all.”

She sighs, “I didn't know either. I don't think I am, to be honest, it's just Lu.”

“Just Lu, huh?” Omar asks grinning.

“Yes,” she says and feels her cheeks starting to blush, “She's just... I like her very much.”

“You and Lu, I can't wait to tell Ander.”

“What? No! You can _not_ tell him!”

“Why? This is perfect, Nadia, I have to-”

“He'll probably tell Guzman!”

“Oh.”

“Yes, _oh_.”

“So he doesn't know?”

“Of course he doesn't. What am I supposed to say? 'Hey Guzman, I know we kinda said we'd wait for each other, but I'm now making out with your ex like all the time, _ups_ ',” she feels herself laughing hysterically.

“Yeah, that'd probably be weird.”

“What am I supposed to do, Omar?” she sighs.

“I really don't know,” and after few seconds he adds with a grin even wider than the one before, “Can I tell our parents?”

“Omar!”

-

Nadia sits at one of the small tables at the café Lu is working in and waits for her to finish her shift. It's not really a busy day and Lu has time to come over in-between costumers to talk, and keep her from writing the paper that's due to tomorrow.

“Lu,” Nadia groans when Lu once again came over to 'refill her coffee' as she said, “I need to finish this.”

“You did finish this,” Lu says with a raised eyebrow, “Last night. I remember you saying 'Lu, I'm finished, lets go to bed, finally'.”

“I have to make some small changes.”

“God, I always thought _I_ was an over-achiever.”

“I just want to get this right.”

“Sure you are,” Lu smiles and looks to the door where another costumer just enters, “Be right back.”

“Please, don't,” Nadia mumbles as Lu gets up. She already turned her attention back to the opened document and doesn't realize Lu's leaning in for a kiss until her lips nearly meet her own. Slightly shocked Nadia leans back, Lu stops in her tracks, hurt look flashing over a face, and goes back to the counter.

For the rest of her shift she doesn't come to Nadia's table again.

-

This night they're lying in their bed, after spending the evening studying and only talking when it was necessary, and as Lu leans over to turn the lamp on her bedside-table off she seemingly thinks better of it, rolls onto her side and says, “I'm sorry about early, didn't know PDA is a problem for you.”

With a sigh Nadia turns to her side as well, so that she's facing Lu, “It's not really that, it's just... For the first time in years people are _not_ looking at me, since wearing a hijab isn't that special here, but wearing a hijab _and_ kissing another girl...”

“I don't think any of those hipsters would have cared,” Lu says with a slight smile.

“Maybe, but maybe they would have. It's just... I took a friend with me to our room a few weeks ago, and when she saw the bed she was totally confused, because of my religion. And you too thought I didn't kiss you for the same reason.”

“They might be confused for a few seconds, so what?” Lu laughs, placing her hand on Nadia's cheek and stroking the skin there.

“You wouldn't get this, people always looked at you in awe, but at me they looked like I was a freak. I just don't want it to be like that any more.”

“They didn't,” Lu whispers, “Not really, at least. They thought I was hot, sure, envied me one way or another, but they never stared at me _in awe_.”

“Lu...” Nadia mumbles, hurt by the sad look on her face.

“No, it's alright, I always wanted people to like me, and when they didn't I wanted them to be intimidated by me at least. That worked out better.”

“Worked on me,” Nadia says with a crooked smile and places a small kiss on Lu's lips.

“It better did,” Lu grins and adds, “I just want to say I always cared about what everyone else was thinking, but in the last few months and after... well, I try to not giving any thought into it, you know. And I got at least one good thing out of it.”

Nadia laughs at this, “Okay, I try to not give a damn about what anyone else is thinking, but-”

“...but no kissing in public, got it.” Lu kisses her once again, longer and slower this time, and Nadia practically melts into it, “Let's sleep now, I'm tired.”

After she has turned the light off, Nadia places her head on Lu's chest, and with the slow rise and fall of it she falls asleep, feeling completely at ease.

-

 _lol you and lu srly? dont worry wont tell guzman,_ Ander texts her a few days later and her fingers shake in anger when she sends one word to Omar, _traitor._

 _dont blame omar, got him drunk and high and forced him,_ Ander adds as if he's reading her mind.

 _Its complicated,_ she answers he few minutes later after calming down somewhat.

_I bet. Funny you and omar are both gay runs in the family pry_

At the same moment she gets a text from Omar, _sry he made me do it_

She ignores her brother and answers Ander, _I'm not gay._ She doesn't even know why she feels the need to clarify it.

_then bi whatever who cares_

_you really must not tell Guzman_

_wont promise. But maybe you should do it_

_I know,_ she texts, trying to ignore the bad feeling in her stomach.

-

They have gone to the cinema and it feels awfully lot like a date. Lu is surprisingly into foreign independent movies and Nadia once again realizes how different the Lu she sits next to now is compared to the one she met two years ago. Well, it's probably the same Lu, she just got to know another side of her.

Since it's dark Nadia doesn't mind when Lu hesitantly takes hold of her hand, only turns her head to place a small kiss on Lu's cheek. The smile she gets in return makes her heart drop.

After the movie they get dinner at a small falafel restaurant, because Lu gone vegan now and uses very single opportunity to tell everyone, who does and doesn't want to hear it, that this is the only sustainable lifestyle. If it were anyone else Nadia would probably be annoyed by it, but whenever Lu starts to rant she just smiles and listens, glad Lu found something, that takes her mind off of what has happened _that night_.

They are walking home, eating and discussing the movie, and Nadia feels so absolutely happy that it's hard to believe that this is real. When they're entering their dorm they both laughing about the stupid ending, and looking at Lu's face Nadia suddenly realizes how much she loves her.

The thought makes her stop in her tracks.

“What? Is something wrong?” Lu asks.

“No,” Nadia says shaking her head, “Everything is great.”

“Yes,” Lu agrees, “It is.”

Oh.

_Oh._

-

It's a lazy Sunday afternoon, they both don't have any work to do, and haven't really left the bed, besides to get something to eat, to go to the bathroom, or, in Nadia's case, to pray. She had spend the day more or less with talking to her parents, and after that she called Omar, whom she turns to speaker since him and Lu both ask her to, but neither of them mentions the _thing_ between Lu and herself, and Nadia is glad about it.

When she has finished her calls Lu face-times with Carla, the two of them slowly but steadily growing closer again ever since they finished school, and Nadia is happy about it, even though she herself never had any kind of relationship with Carla it's obvious how much she means to Lu. Surprisingly, Carla doesn't comment when Lu turns her phone's camera onto Nadia at some point, and it's obvious they're lying in one big bed. She wonders whether Lu needs someone to talk about all _this_ just like her.

After Lu ended the call, and Carla said _'love you two'_ as a goodbye, which Nadia thought was weird, but nice all the same, Lu straddles her hips laughingly. “Finally alone,” she muses and leans down to kiss Nadia. She laughs into the kiss herself, and puts her hand into Lu's hair to pull her closer.

They kiss lazily until Lu's hand suddenly is under Nadia's shirt, and strokes the skin of her stomach. “This okay?” she asks and Nadia nods immediately. They haven't touched too much, and while Nadia enjoys the slowness of it all, she started to grow desperate for something _more_ , not being ready to initiate it though.

Lu smirks and places another kiss on her mouth, before slightly sucking on her bottom lip and letting her hand wander further up Nadia's body. She gasps into the kiss when Lu's hand grazes one of her breasts, and places her own hand on the small of Lu's back.

Suddenly feeling especially bold she takes hold of the hem of Lu's t-shirt and pulls it over her head. Surprisingly, she's wearing a bra underneath and Nadia shakes her head. “Really?” she asks and thinks back to the conversation they had about Lu putting on make-up when they didn't intended to leave the room a few months earlier, when Nadia had to _assure_ her she doesn't care about dark circles around the eyes, nor about the occasional pimple.

Lu only shrugs, “Want to be perfect for you.”

Nadia places another kiss on Lu's lips, “You are.”

“You just want to get me out of my bra.”

“Maybe,” Nadia smirks, and Lu then puts her hand behind her back to open and throw it to the ground. Her breast are big and so perfect that Nadia wonders why Lu ever wears a bra at all. The nipples are small and hard, and before she can stop herself she pinches one of them slightly. Lu gasps at that, so low and marvellous that it sends a shiver down Nadia's spine.

She places her hand on the breast and squeezes it carefully, enjoying the feeling of it and the look of Lu closing her eyes in arousal. It's surprising how good it feels, so heavy and warm and smooth, and she wants to places her mouth there, kiss every inch of Lu's chest, but doesn't dare to.

“May I take of your shirt as well?” Lu asks through half closed eyes and Nadia nods.

When she's lying half-naked under her, Lu licks her lips and says, “ _You_ are perfect.” She touches her like Nadia did before, and she nearly melts into it.

Lu leans down again, their breast pressed against each other, and Nadia realizes she's getting wet. Taking Lu's moans into account she's feeling the same.

They keep on kissing, let their hands wander over their naked chest, and at some point Lu starts to kiss the skin her fingers touched a few minutes ago.

It's the best Sunday afternoon in a long time.

-

Two days later she meets with Malik for the first time since they came to New York. They are sitting at a table on a small restaurant's patio, in order to enjoy the probably last warm day of the year, and just talk about what they did those last few months. They hadn't met before mainly due to not having too much free time. At least she told him so, but when Nadia is completely honest with herself, she has to admit she avoided him, because she still was hurt by the way he used her.

The Malik that is now sitting in front of her is so different to the one she boarded the plane with, that she nearly forgets about what has happened between them, and is just happy to finally see him again though. It's seems like there always has been something holding him back, since he's now smiling and talking in such a carefree way, that had been unimaginable back at home.

“I'm just so happy here,” he confirms her assumption, “I don't have to hide who I am at last, because no one even cares.”

She smiles right back and touches her hijab slightly, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“So tell me, how's Omar doing?”

They had been avoiding the topic until now and she doesn't really know what she's supposed to say, “He's doing fine.”

“And Ander? Is he still alright?”

“Yes, he recovered completely, says he feels better than ever.”

“That's good to hear, I'm happy for them.”

“You are? I mean after Omar just left... I thought you were angry.”

He shrugs, “I was at first, I guess, but mostly I was glad. I really like you brother and I think this, whatever it was, could have been great, but...” he sighs, “I wanted to come here to be finally free of other people's expectation, and I wouldn't have been, at least not like I am now, if Omar were with me. So, yeah, I'm mainly just happy for him and Ander.”

“I'm glad to hear that,” she says and really means it.

“So Nadia, tell me, did you meet someone?” he asks and starts to grin as her cheeks start to turn red ever so slightly, “You did! Tell me everything!”

“I did not, not really at least,” she sighs, and then adds, because she _has_ to talk about it, and Malik is probably the last person to tell Guzman or her parents, “I'm dating Lu.”

“You...” he starts to laugh, “That's great.”

“It is?” she asks smiling at his reaction.

“It sure is, hadn't thought you were into girls, but if you two are happy...”

“I don't think I'm into girls, it's just her, you know, she's... and I'm...” she sighs, not sure what they actually _are_.

“Oh, you got a serious case of gay-panic right there.”

“I'm not _gay_.”

“Like I said, panic,” he grins, “but it doesn't really matter _what_ you are, we're in New York, nobody cares.” He starts to laugh again and she joins in quietly.

“Stop worrying too much and enjoy it,” he suggests a few minutes later.

“I'll try my best.”

“Good, and before I forget: I'm throwing a small party at my place this Friday, why don't you two come?”

-

Guzman and her are not so much texting, but writing each other long emails. It's sort of romantic, and every time she gets a new one her heart flutters and she can't wait to read it. They are sharing stories of their everyday life, and when she reads about what is happening at her old school, she realizes how much she misses everyone.

Despite telling each other nearly every boring detail about school and work and what movie they had seen last, they don't talk about _them_ or dating other people _,_ and Nadia wonders if Guzman just has nothing to tell her, or if he's hiding something like she does. She is not stupid: Guzman looks ridiculously good and half the school probably wants to fuck him, and Guzman certainly likes sex, and since Polo... since his mind isn't solely on solving Marina's murder, he surely wants do date again, doesn't he? And on one hand he wants him to, since then she wouldn't have to feel guilty all the time, but whenever she wants to ask him or Omar about it, she thinks better of it, already jealous of a girl that maybe doesn't even exist.

She's aware what a selfish and hypocritical person she is, but mostly she is a coward, who isn't ready to live with the consequences of her actions, so she keeps her mouth shut.

She is so lost in her thoughts, that she didn't hear Lu entering the room, and flinches slightly when she places a kiss on her cheek and asks, “What are you doing?”

Wanting to hide the email from Lu, and at the same time telling herself that it's nothing she has to hide, since Lu knows they're writing each other, Nadia says nothing. Turns out she doesn't need to, Lu sees the name herself after a few seconds. “Oh,” she mumbles, “I leave you to it, wanted to shower anyway.”

As fast as she entered the room she leaves it and Nadia sighs in frustration. She really needs to talk to both of them.

-

It's Friday-evening and they're taking the subway to Malik's flat. Lu is already tipsy, since she drank some sparkling wine while getting ready, and is still smiling in satisfaction, because Nadia not just let her put some make-up on her face, but she's wearing the hijab Lu got her a few weeks ago. It's silver and sparkling and so unbelievably _Lu,_ that Nadia wasn't really surprised, when she came home one evening to Lu giving it to her with the words _“i have seen it by chance and_ needed _to buy it for you”._ It was so sweet and Lu looked so happy, that Nadia didn't asks why she was 'by chance' in a shop that was selling it.

Still, she hasn't worn it, partly because it is just too sparkly to wear while sitting in a lecture, but mainly because the hijab Guzman got her lies in the drawer she put it into, after they moved into the room, and hasn't touched ever since, and that she's now painfully aware of whenever she thinks about the one Lu got her.

She doesn't know what made her wear it tonight, but ever since she came back to their room, after showering and putting it on, Lu is smiling so happily that she's glad she did it.

When they arrive at Malik's the flat is already cramped with people, and after he hugged them both Nadia says, “ _Small_ party, huh.”

“What am supposed to say, I'm a popular guy,” he laughs and disappears again to greet someone else.

They walk through the big, tastefully furnished living-room, until they find a empty couch to sit on. “Didn't know the guy is _that_ rich,” Lu shouts against the loud music, and Nadia only shrugs. Ever since she set foot into Marina's parents home on her birthday party she just accepts that there are people having much more many than they'd ever could spent.

“Want me to get some drinks?”

“Sure.”

And with a smile Lu disappears into the crowed to the other end of the room where a bartender mixes cocktails. Nadia looks at the other people dancing, laughing and drinking, and realizes that there are a few other girls wearing hijabs, and on the couch next to her are two boys making out. She smiles slightly to herself and remembers Malik's words ' _we're in New York, nobody cares'._

That was what made her go out wearing her hijab tonight as well. Back at home people always looked at her strangely when she did, like they couldn't believe her parents weren't locking her into her room after it got dark, or forced her to meet with the husband-to-be they choose for her, but here nobody bets an eye that she goes to a party, _and_ still being a practising Muslim.

“I got us some drinks,” Lu sings, and gives Nadia a large glass with an orange-red liquid, “Virgin Sex On the Beach for you, and the slutty version for me. Cheers.”

Nadia laughs and clinks their glasses together, before taking a sip.

After drinking two more cocktails and talking to a few other people about what they are doing, seems like everyone goes to college, no matter how old they are, Lu is invited to play beer pong and already drunk enough to scream “I'll destroy you, motherfuckers” eagerly. Nadia has seen her play before, and thus is not surprised when Lu stays true to her word.

Nadia enjoys watching her play, but starts to slightly worry about getting her home, when she gulps down yet another cup of beer. She tells Lu she's heading to the bar to get something to drink, but before she reaches it something catches her eyes. Two of the girls wearing a hijab she noticed earlier are dancing together, arms thrown around each other and kissing seemingly without caring what anybody else is thinking. And as Nadia looks at the other people next to the girls she realizes she's the _only one_ who's staring.

With heated cheeks and a warm feeling in her stomach she goes over to the bar to get some water for Lu.

-

They are back in the room a few hours later and Lu is so drunk that her attempt to clean her face was only half successful, her eyes black with smeared mascara and eyeliner. Nadia only smiles at her, deciding to not tell her and getting a lecture by tomorrow morning about how she must _not_ let Lu go to sleep _that ugly._

“This was a great evening,” Lu beams at Nadia and sprawls her limps out all over the bed.

“It was,” Nadia agrees and pushes slightly at Lu to make room for herself, “but tomorrow morning you probably think different about it.”

“Psst,” Lu whispers and puts her forefinger clumsily against Nadia's lips, “Let's not think about tomorrow, lets live in the here and now.”

“Mhh,” Nadia nods, “There is a glass of water and a pill against the headache on your bedside-table.”

“You're _the best_!”

“I know, I know,” Nadia sighs smiling and turns the light off.

“Nadia?”

“Yes?”

Lu puts her hand into her hair and starts to play absently with the locks, “Are you waiting 'till marriage? I know you and Guzman... but that doesn't mean, well, you know what I mean.”

She waited for a question like this ever since Lu kissed her for the first time, but still doesn't find an answer immediately, “No, I don't think so. I always thought I would, but it's too late for that now, isn't it. And I had to think a lot about what's 'wrong' and 'right', already had to when Omar came out... I always thought homosexuality is not _natural,_ and then I looked at him and Ander... and us. Allah is a part of my life, just as my religion, but I think I have to find my own way, and stop following the path my parents want me to.”

“That sounds good,” Lu mumbles, “and hard.”

“Sometimes it feels like it,” she scoots a little closer to Lu and puts her arm around her waist, “Other times in doesn't.” She thinks back to the girls at party and smiles sightly.

“That's good, I'm totally helping you with that,” after a few moments she adds, “What we did last week, I really like it.”

“Yes, me too.”

“Great, because your tits are fantastic and I want to touch them forever.”

“Lu!” Nadia laughs and shakes her head.

“What? It's true, and you're ought to know it.”

“Okay,” she says still laughing and places a kiss on top of Lu's head.

“One more question,” Lu says after a moment and Nadia can practically hear the grin on her face, “Are you touching yourself sometimes?”

She is too surprised to answer and after being silent for a few seconds Lu clarify, “I mean masturbation.”

“I know what you mean.”

“So, do you?”

“Of course I did it now and then, but not that often I guess, and it wasn't that great. And now I don't any more,” she shrugs.

“What? Why?”

“What do you mean _why_? We're sharing a bed for nearly two months... oh, do you really...!?” she feels her cheeks turn red even thinking about it.

“What do you think? I'm certainly not getting off in these dirty public bathrooms,” Lu sounds like she's appalled even thinking about it.

“You're masturbating while I'm lying next to you?” Nadia asks, still not quiet believing it.

“No, I masturbate while you _sleep_ next to me, I'm not a pervert.” They stay silent for a few moments, then Lu adds, “You're not angry, are you?”

“No,” Nadia assures, “Just surprised, that's all. Aren't you... like scared I'll wake up when you _doing it._ ”

She feels Lu shrug before she says, “Nah, I'm never that loud, and even when I am you sleep like a stone.”

Not sure whether she wants to hear the answer Nadia asks, “You're _loud_ sometimes?”

“No, I can keep my mouth shut, but my vibrator is kinda loud,” Lu laughs and Nadia's cheeks are now so red it nearly hurts, “You really have to try someday, then you won't think masturbating isn't great any more.”

“You're unbelievable,” Nadia laughs ashamed.

“Yeah, I know. But I really have to sleep now, can hardly keep my eyes open.”

“Okay, good night.”

“Good night, babe,” Lu says and kisses Nadia's cheek, before rolling onto her side and starting to snore a few seconds later.

Nadia needs what feels like hours to fall asleep herself, all the while picturing Lu doing the things she just had told her about.

-

The days after that _conversation_ Lu gets worse, and it's so sudden that it feels like someone pulled a switched. The last few months she had seemed to get steadily better, but now she is back to being angry and annoyed about every minor inconveniences, and Nadia wakes up nearly every night to Lu shaking and panting in her sleep. She doesn't cry any more after being shaken awake, but doesn't talk about what it is she sees in her dreams either, so Nadia only holds her until she falls back to sleep, feeling utterly helpless all the while.

“Maybe you should talk to someone,” she suggest, when Lu comes home from work on Tuesday, eyes bloodshot and shoulders slumped.

“About what?” Lu hisses, not looking up from the paper she's writing.

Nadia sits down on the chair next to her and sighs, “You know about what, I see how bad you're doing, maybe someone...”

“And how exactly do you picture this conversation do go?” Lu asks, eyes sparkling with anger, “I _killed_ Polo, you all lying for me would be-”

“You did _not kill_ him, he-”

“Goddamn, Nadia, it doesn't _matter,_ he's fucking _dead,_ and nightmares are the least thing I deserve.”

She tries to say something else, something that will make everything alright again, _anything_ , but Lu already got up, took her purse and is leaving the room, shutting the door with a loud _bang_. She doesn't come back until late at night when Nadia is already asleep, and she only wakes up, because Lu rest her head on her chest.

-

Maybe Carla talked to Lu and realized how bad she's doing, or she just has perfect timing, but whatever it is, a few days later she adds them to a group chat named _Girl Squad._ Nadia and Lu are both confused at first, especially after realizing that Rebeca and Cayetana are part of it at well, but their initial reservations are soon disproved. Turns out it was a great idea and what they all needed somehow.

 _I'm lonely and I miss you all, how are you doing?_ had been Carla's first text and, after a few short updates on their lives, they started to share funny stories and silly memes.

They don't really talk about what has happened, about the night that didn't make them _friends_ , but at least made them care about each other, and even though they don't, it helps to talk to people understanding what you're going through. Nadia doesn't know if that's true for Lu as well, but ever since they all started chatting she's somewhat _calmer_ , less angry.

 _I have this great new hairsoap, no waste and perfect hair,_ Lu texts and sends a picture of said object one evening, as always using any opportunity to convince other people to help her making the world a better place. Nadia smiles seeing her that passionate and even more so when Rebeca answers, _wtf who are you?_

 _Soap for the hair? Sounds fake,_ Cayetana adds a few seconds later.

 _Tried once, never again_ , Carla joins in and Nadia can't stop herself from laughing.

_It's great! Nadia tell them how great my hair looks!_

“I'm sorry,” Nadia mouths from her place on the bed to Lu who sits on the other end of the room and hits 'send', _it looks okay, but feels &smells greasy _

“What?” Lu exclaims startled.

“I'm sorry,” Nadia says once again, not quiet able to stop laughing.

A wave of _knew it, lol, haha,_ and, _disgusting_ messages are coming in, before Rebeca says, _do I want to know why you touch and smell her hair???_

Meanwhile Lu is standing in front of the mirror and tries to look on the top of her head, “It feels weird, but I thought I'll get used to it. Does it really smell bad?” Nadia only shrugs, “Why didn't you tell me! God, I'm running around smelling like _this_!”

“It's really not that bad,” Nadia tries, but Lu already grabbed her towels.

“I'm using your shampoo,” she says before leaving the room.

 _Let me guess she went for a shower,_ Carla asks a few moments later.

 _Sure did_ , Nadia answers, still smiling.

-

The same night they're lying in bed huddled against each other, kissing slowly, when Lu says, “I'm so glad they are talking to me.”

“Huh?” Nadia asks confused, too absorbed into the feeling of Lu's hand under her shirt.

“Carla and Cayetana, and Rebeca too, even though she hasn't been... with Polo.”

“They know what he did.”

“Yeah, but they know what I did, too.”

“He...” Nadia sighs, “It was different.”

“Maybe,” Lu whispers, “but he wanted to take the blame for it, at last. I didn't.”

“What he did was something else,” Nadia tries weakly, but Lu isn't having it, “Yeah, why? Because he ran away? I might have done so, too, who knows. And we don't have to discuss it, he is responsible for Marina's death and I'm for his, and he's dead and I am alive, and it just feels so fucking unfair. Sometimes I...” she sighs.

“What do you do sometimes?” Nadia asks when Lu doesn't say anything else.

“I... Sometimes I think I should confess to it, maybe that would make me feel better.”

“Don't,” Nadia says immediately, takes Lu's face between her hands and looks into her eyes, “please, don't do it. And if you doesn't do it for yourself, then do it for me, I... I can't loose you. It will get better, I promises you.”

Lu only nods, a tear slipping out of the corner of her eye, and Nadia presses their lips together, nearly desperately. The _I love you_ burns on the tip of her tongue.

-

When Nadia comes home the next evening Lu is face-timing with Valerio, and her first instinct is run away. The night she caught the two together comes back to her mind, a memory she tried to repress the last few months. There are lot of things she changed her mind about - guys being with guys, girls being with girls, everything in-between, sex before marriage - but siblings sleeping with each other still leaves her with a bad feeling.

As long as both of them consent to it and are not having children, it shouldn't be anyone's business, but even the thought of kissing Omar like that makes her sick. Still, she takes a deep breath, and tries to not give too much thought into why she sees those two talking to each other for the first time since they came here, and shuts the door with a quiet, “Hey.”

“Nadia,” Lu beams, and a “Hello Nadia,” is coming out of the speakers.

She lets her bag fall onto the ground and just wants to sit down at the desk, when Lu stops her, “Come over, you have to hear that! Valerio just wanted to tell me about the party at Samu's and what _has happened there_ ,” she grins meaningfully.

Hesitantly she goes over and sits down next to Lu. Valerio sits on some nice couch, grinning wildly and begins to tell in great detail, nearly like he's doing a stand-up bit, how fifty people cramped into Samu's flat, half of them got naked at one point, and all of them drunk, and seemingly did their absolute best to fulfil every high-school-party-cliche. Despite her dislike for Valerio Nadia smiles and laughs with them, enjoying the stories and wishing once again, she was back at home with them.

“... and then we played truth or dare, and I made out with Ander and Omar,” Valerio says at one point.

“Oh why,” Nadia moans and hides her face behind her hands, “why are you telling me this?”

“What? I didn't even begin to tell you about what we did after, when-”

“Stop!” Nadia laughs, “Please, I _really_ don't want to hear it.”

Valerio only shrugs, grinning, “Your missing out on a great story involving cats.”

Fifteens minutes later they are ready to hang up and Valerio suddenly asks, “Hey sis, leave me and Nadia alone for a moment?”

“Sure,” Lu shrugs, not even looking confused, “have to pee anyway.” She gives Nadia her phone and leaves the room.

Valerio looks nearly _shy_ now, and Nadia can't possibly think of a reason why he wants to talk to her alone. “It's...” he starts and then stops for a few seconds, “I don't know whether Lu ever told you, but it was me who took the video of you and Guzman. Shared it as well.”

“Oh,” Nadia says, nearly feeling the shame and pain again she felt for a few weeks after the video got leaked.

“Yeah, and I'm really sorry. I was... my reasons for doing so were stupid, and there is no justification for doing something like this. I know how hard it is, especially for women, how they are treated after such a video is leaked, and how you got... Well, I just want you to know I would get back in time and change what I did if I could, and that I'm deeply sorry.”

Nadia doesn't really know what to say to that, she is definitely not forgiving him for doing it, but it doesn't hurt as bad as it had one year ago, so she only says, “Okay, thanks for telling me.”

Lu comes back a few minutes later and Nadia wants to ask her if there still is _something_ between her and Valerio, but since she doesn't tell her anything about Guzman either, it doesn't seem fair.

-

Nadia once again joined Lu in the café, is eating banana-bread and enjoys the steady stream of coffee being filled into her cup, while she works on her paper. She is so absorbed into it, that at first she doesn't realize what the guys at the table behind her are talking about.

“You don't have a change, me on the other hand...”

“Ah, come on, really? _You._ Haven't seen you pick up a chick since summer two years ago. Do you even know-”

“Your signature move is _winking_ , I don't get how anyone _ever_ fell for that.”

She turns around then, and sees two rather attractive men starring at Lu, who is currently polishing glasses behind the counter. “Sorry, but you both don't stand a change,” she grins.

“And why is that,” one of them asks not unfriendly.

“Because she is my girlfriend.” Satisfied she takes the confused look on the guys' faces in and turns back around to her laptop.

A few minutes later Lu sits down next to her to talk about what they're going to do later, and when she wants to get back up, Nadia leans in and places a small peck on her lips. Lu raises an eyebrow in surprise, but still smiles brightly, and Nadia can practically feels the guys' stares on her back.

Being looked at never felt that good.

-

“Friday night is date-night,” Lu announces and so they are getting dinner in a nice restaurant and go to the cinema afterwards. Nadia thinks the movie is boring, but Lu seems to enjoy it, so she keeps her mouth shut about it.

Later they are walking home, keeping close together, since it turned unbelievably cold the last few days, and at some point Nadia takes hold of Lu hand.

“How come you changed your mind about PDA?” Lu asks, smiling in a way that makes Nadia warm despite the icy wind.

She shrugs, “I guess I just realized I don't have to hide any more.”

As soon as they close the door to their room behind them Lu pushes her against it and catches her mouth with her own. Nadia laughs about the speed of it, but then there is Lu's tongue touching her own and her hand in her hair, and she gasps instead.

Still kissing Lu takes hold of her hip with the other hand, and drags her with her to their bed. She pushes Nadia down onto it and straddles her hips. Surprised by the forcefulness, but nevertheless enjoying it, Nadia pulls Lu back down, kisses her once more and grabs the hem of Lu's sweater. Before she can do anything else though, Lu pulls it over her head herself and undoes her bra in one swift motion.

Taking Lu's perfect body in Nadia feels her mouth go dry. “I want to try something,” Lu grins, “You can say stop whenever, I won't be mad, but let me try, will you?”

She nods, her stomach turning all hot with the implications of it. Lu then scoots down a few centimetres and opens the button of Nadia's jeans, who follows an instinct and toes her shoes off, which makes Lu only grin impossibly wider.

Weirdly she gets up then and says, “Come down a little bit, until your legs aren't on the bed any more.” Nadia does as she told, nearly shaking in arousal and anticipation.

Sinking onto her knees in front of the bed Lu pulls Nadia's jeans down and throws them together with the socks into the other corner of the room. “Alright?” she asks and ever so slightly strokes over the already wet fabric of Nadia's panties. She only nods, not able to speak as she starts to moan lowly.

“Great.” And with a swift motion the panties are pulled down and flying through the room as well. “You have no idea for how long I wanted to do this,” Lu whispers and bites lightly down onto her lip.

The first contact of Lu's finger with her clit sends what feels like an electric shook through her body. Lu only takes it in with a small laugh and stars to move the finger in slow and steady circles, and just as Nadia starts to get slightly used to the feeling, Lu replaces the finger with her tongue.

“Oh fuck,” Nadia moans and bites down on her tongue in order to not moan too loud.

Lu takes her time, seems to want to taste every inch of her, to find out witch movement leads to which noise. Nadia is soon shaking all over, so turned on, that she puts her hand on Lu's head to push her closer, to get _more._ She takes pity on her then, starts to move her tongue in earnest over Nadia's clit, and when she pushes a finger in slowly, and starts to moves it a few seconds later, Nadia comes, her whole body pulsing with the orgasm.

“Wow,” she laughs breathlessly as Lu lies down next to her, lips still wet and smiling as satisfied as Nadia feels.

“Wanna kiss me?” She nods and pulls Lu down to her. The taste is strange, but not bad, so she leans in further, just enjoying the kiss while her whole body still feels warm and weightless.

“What about you?” Nadia asks, hand slowly stroking Lu's back.

“Don't worry, took care of myself, but if you want to try it someday yourself I won't say no.”

And Nadia is sure she wants nothing more than repeating it.

-

In her next email to Guzman she writes, _I need to talk to you,_ and two days later she sits in her room, when Lu is due to work for three more hours, and waits for her phone to ring. Her heart beats so loud in her chest, that she nearly misses the buzzing-noise when it finally comes, and with shaking finger she picks up.

“Hey,” she says breathlessly.

“Hello you,” Guzman says and sounds so happy she wants to hang up again.

For a few minutes they talk about what they did the last few days, and it feels so easy and natural, that she nearly doesn't believe six months pasted since they talked to each other for the last time.

“So, why did you want to talk all of the sudden? Don't get me wrong, I enjoy hearing your voice, but it sounded like you had another reason than just hearing mine.”

“Yes,” she says and takes a deep breath, “I have to tell you something. I... there is someone.”

He sighs, “Yeah, I thought so. Is it something serious?”

“Yes,” Nadia chokes, “Yes, it is.”

“Okay, we knew that this could happen. I mean I'm still at least six months in school and I don't even know where I'll go after. It would be... unfair of me to force you to wait for something that might never happen.”

“I promised I'll come back to you,” she whispers and hears him huff sadly.

“Coming back and falling for someone else are two different things, aren't they.”

“Why are you like this?” she asks and feels a tear run down her cheek, “Why are you so understanding?”

“Nadia,” he sighs, “What am I supposed to do? Scream, call you names? We are continents apart and it's not my place to tell you what you're allowed to do and what not.”

She starts to sob them, “I'm so sorry, so sorry,” she gets out, “I love you so much.” And it's true, so true that it physically hurts.

“I love you, too,” he says and it's sounds like he's crying himself, she wants to be next to him, hold him, make the pain go away.

“I didn't want this to happen, I tried to stop it, but I couldn't, I... I wanted it and I want you, and I miss you, but... but... The last few days I realized it won't end, that I don't _want_ to end it.”

“Somehow it's never the right time for us, is it?”

“I wish it were, I wish I said yes to you earlier, I wish I had seen things different then.”

“No,” he laughs sadly, “I was in a bad place then, I wasn't good for you. And you probably would have never gone to New York if things went different. And you _deserve_ to be there, you deserve all those good things happening to you.”

Wiping away some of the tears with her sleeve she tries to gather herself enough to tell him the worst thing. Why isn't he angry, why isn't he blaming her for hurting him like this? It would be so much easier if he wasn't that nice and _understanding_.

“Guzman,” she takes a shuddering breath, “It's Lu.”

For a few seconds everything is completely silent and then, “What?”

“I had never thought it would happen, but then things changed between us, and I fought it at first, but I don't want to any more.”

“You are joking right?” he says without giving away any emotion.

“No,” she says and it sounds more like a sob than a word.

“How long?”

“Just... we kissed a month ago for the first time, and then... it turned into more.”

“Do you love her?”

Another sob escapes her lips, before she whispers, “Yes.”

“I... I don't know what to say. I would never have dreamed she... you...”

“I'm so sorry,” she says again, despite knowing it won't help either of them.

“I'm gonna hang up now, Nadia, I... I have to think about this, I guess. Bye.”

And then he's gone and she's alone.

-

When Lu comes home Nadia lies on their bed, curled into herself and is still crying silently. She knows how pathetic it is, that she did something wrong and has no right to feel that sad about it, but she just can't forget how _shattered_ Guzman sounded.

“What has happened?” Lu asks alarmed and lies down next to her immediately, taking Nadia into her arms.

Being held like this somehow makes it only worse and she begins to cry anew, soaking Lu's blouse with her tears. “Please, tell me what happened,” Lu whispers and places a kiss onto of her head.

“Guzman,” Nadia gets out between sobs.

“What did he do? Shall I call him, I tell him-”

“No,” Nadia interrupts her, “I did... I told him about us.”

“Oh,” Lu gets out and then asks hesitantly, “He didn't take it too well?”

Shaking her head she takes a few deep breaths to at least stop crying, “It was just so hard, I should have told him sooner, I... I'm sorry, I shouldn't tell you this.”

“It's alright,” Lu says, but when Nadia moves out of the embrace somewhat to look into her face she sees a mixture of confusion and hurt on it. They have to talk about this, _them_ , as well, Nadia realizes, now more than ever, but she definitely isn't ready for it now, so she asks, “Can we please watch a stupid movie.”

“Sure,” Lu says, smiling sadly, “Which one?”

“Doesn't matter, just something not too challenging.”

-

She wakes up, without really remembering when she fell asleep and with Lu still pressed to her side. The clock on her phone says it's already three in the morning. Sighing she thinks about it for a few moments and then texts Ander, _how is he?_

The answer comes nearly right away, _had been worse I guess, but is rly drunk now_

 _Does he hate me?_ she asks and wants to delete it already.

_Nah but you and lu doing it rly fucked him up_

She shuts her eyes for a moment, then gets another text, _but hell get around_

_Take care of him will you?_

_Sure thing_

After that she doesn't fall back to sleep.

-

They don't see each other all through the next day, since they got lectures to attend and work to do, and it's already late in the evening, when Lu finally gets back as well, ans Nadia already spent a mere hour pacing the room, planing exactly what she wants to say. “Hey.”

“Hey,” Lu answers, looking as tired as Nadia feels.

“I think we should talk.” Not really the start she planed, but whatever.

Lu only nods and follows to where Nadia already sat down on their bed, crosses her legs after taking her shoes off, and looks at Nadia, who clears her throat and seems to have forgotten everything she wanted to say. “About what I told Guzman...” she begins and stop right there.

“What are you two? I know you write each other these crazy long emails, and I know he loves you, but...” Lu sighs, “I wanted to asks you weeks ago, but then this started and I didn't want to know any more, and then you lay in bed, _our bed_ , crying over him...”

“I promised to come back to him, when we left,” Nadia says, voice weak, “and I wanted to, until... I think I still do somehow, but want to be with _you_.”

“Because I'm here and he isn't?” Lu asks, face completely blank.

“No,” Nadia shakes her head forcefully, “No, what we have is... I realized I wanted more than friendship with you ever since you pushed our beds together, and I tried to ignore it at first, but then I couldn't any more, didn't _want to_ any more. You make me so happy, every day just being with you is perfect, and I don't want it to end.”

A small smile tugs on Lu's lips, “Yeah, me too.”

“I want to kiss you, and go on dates with you to watch these weird, boring movies, and go to parties, and just anywhere and enjoy everyone being jealous, because you're with me,” Lu laughs at that slightly, “and I want to touch you like you touched me the other night, and I want to wake up with you next to me every morning.”

“And you still want Guzman?” Lu asks, knowing look on her face.

“Yes,” Nadia confess, “But I want you more. He's an idea, something that could have been, but never was, and I start to think there is a reason for that.”

“Do you love him?” Lu asks and Guzman's words echo in her mind, _Do you love her?_

“Yes. But I love you too.”

Lu pushes her hand through her hair, takes a few deep breaths and says, “Why did you tell him now?”

“I want to really try this, Lu, without feeling guilty, just enjoying it and see where it leads us to. I didn't dare to before. I was scared of his reaction and... At first I didn't know what I wanted and then I was a coward.”

“What do you want then?”

“To be with you,” Nadia says smiling.

“And what if it leads you to the realization you don't like me?”

“It won't,” Nadia says, shocked about the question.

“You can't be sure.”

“Yes, I can and I am. I _know_ you, I lived with your for six months, I won't suddenly realize I don't even like you.”

“But,” Lu sighs, “Fuck, Guzman left me for you. Well, he would have anyway, but not so soon, and now you want to be with me, but are still in love with him? What am I supposed to do? Forget about it and be hurt again when you'll go back to him.”

“I won't leave you,” Nadia promises, desperate to make her believe it. She didn't imagine the conversation to go into this direction.

“You don't _know_ that!” Lu nearly shouts, “What if you someday realize you made a mistake choosing me over him?”

“What if you realize one day you made a mistake choosing a hijab-wearing-girl who doesn't even drink alcohol? We don't know what will happen.”

“But if I leave you, you'll have people to go back to, I don't.”

“Lu,” Nadia says, feeling hurt by her words, “that's not true.”

“You know that it is!” Lu growls, eyes sparkling in anger, “My parents don't even _talk_ to me, my only real friend is Carla, who has enough problems on her own, and Valerio doesn't care for me either. You're the only thing I have, and I rather be your friend and have you go back to Guzman, than you leaving me after a few months, and not having you at all.”

“I'm am not the only thing you have,” Nadia mumbles and takes Lu's face into her hands.

“Yes, and you know it's true.”

“Your brother-”

“Valerio was only ever my _brother_ on paper, and never a friend, or anything I _had._ We hardly knew each other growing up, and when we turned into horny teenagers we started to fuck, but then he saw who I really am and didn't want me any more.”

It's weird hearing her talk about it this way, like it's normal, like it's not something she tried to hide for so many months, and for a moment Nadia stays silent, thinking about her words, until getting herself back together, “If he had seen the real you he would never have let you go.”

Lu laughs at that, loud and sad, and tears start to well up in her eyes, “Everyone thinks I'm a horrible person, but you. Don't you think they might be right?”

“Even if they thought that, and I know they don't, I would still know what a wonderful, kind and selfless person you are.”

“No one _ever_ described me this way,” Lu huffs.

“Because you didn't let them know you. But you let me, and I'm so glad you did,” Lu averts her eyes, but Nadia keeps going, “And you're all those things, and other people see them in you as well. And I love you so much, and I don't know what will happen next week, or next month, but I know I will still love you then.”

“I love you, too,” Lu answers, nearly inaudible, and a single tear rolls down her cheek, “I love you, and I'm scared.”

“Me too,” Nadia says and kisses Lu's lips, glad to feel her kiss back, “But we'll get through this together.”

-

The next day is Saturday and thus stay-in-bed-day, and while Nadia stills feels horrible about what she did to Guzman, she is so happy about finally having talked to Lu and being certain she feels the same, that she not quiet _forgets_ about it, but it definitely isn't her first thought when she wakes up.

Well, it's hard to think about anything else than Lu, when she wakes Nadia up with a mouth on her neck and a hand on one of her breast, saying “good morning,” in such a erotic way, that Nadia nearly moans.

She tries what Lu did to her a few days ago, not with her mouth but with her fingers, and is surprised about how much she enjoys it, not just the noises and faces Lu makes, but the feeling of being _inside_ her as well. After Lu came she goes down on Nadia again, who comes so fast herself, that it's nearly embarrassing.

Afterwards they lie close together, naked, sweaty and smiling, and Nadia only wishes they would have done it sooner. When she tells Lu she only laughs and says, “We have enough time to do it again. And again. And again.”

Later that day, after they watched a movie and made lunch out of everything they had found in their small fridge, both there phones go off with messages. Carla sent _guess who I met last night!!!_ into the group, followed by various pictures. On every single one of them are Carla, Cayetana and/or Rebeca making stupid faces into the camera, getting seemingly drunker on each, since the pics get more and more blurry.

 _Never gonna drink again_ , Rebeca answers, while Nadia and Lu are still scrolling through and picking their favourite stupid picture.

 _We missed you!_ Carla adds, _Next time I fly you in!_

 _Better do_ , Lu says and smiles.

Nadia grins herself, placing a kiss to her cheek. “We could go next summer, if we'd book now it won't be too expansive.”

“Now I'm expecting a Carla-sponsored private-jet,” Lu laughs and falls back into her pillow.

“Would definitely be nice.”

“I'm... scared to go back,” Lu mumbles.

“Why?” Nadia asks and lies down next to her.

“Sometimes it feels like I can forget about what... _has_ _happened,_ but if I'm back home, it will be real again. There are so many places reminding me of everything, of him.”

“We don't have to,” Nadia whispers and kisses Lu's temple.

“You want to, I get it, and I won't keep you from going, maybe I'll just stay here.”

“It's about your parents, too, isn't it?” And Valerio, she thinks, but doesn't say it. It feels like Lu shared everything she wanted to about their _relationship_ last nigh, and Nadia decided, that she doesn't care any more, that it's something Lu had done and she doesn't understand, but it's none of her business since it's over.

Lu shrugs, “I guess. I don't even know where to live, Carla moved and isn't on best terms with her family either.”

“I'd say you could stay with my parents, but-” Nadia says and grins when Lu starts to laugh.

“I wouldn't be able to keep my hands off of you. Oh god, your poor father,” she starts to laugh even louder, “I'm sorry, it's not even funny, but... but imagine. His. Face,” she gets out, hardly able to breath, “I'm so-rry.”

“It's alright,” Nadia says, still smiling over Lu's laughing fit.

“Both his kids queers,” Lu shakes her head and wipes a few tears away, “Sorry, that was unfair, just hasn't thought about it before. You won't tell them about us, will you?”

Nadia sighs, “I really would and it's not because of you-”

“No, it's okay, don't worry, I get it.”

“He just came around Omar being with Ander and,” she thinks about her sister, about what a _disappointment_ she had been to her family, “they let me go to New York without a man and that's such a huge step for him, I can't to that do him. Not yet at least.” And she doesn't want to either, she realizes, not only for their sakes, but her own. She doesn't know if she'd ever get over it if they'll reject her like they did Omar.

“It's _alright_ ,” Lu promises, “But if you _ever_ decide to do it I want to be there.”

Nadia huffs and tries to swallow the bacdfeeling down, “Omar said the same...”

“Always knew he's great.”

“You're both petty, that's what you are,” Nadia grumbles.

“And _still_ you love me,” Lu grins.

“I do.”

“Wanna hear is,” Lu whispers.

Nadia takes her head between her hands and looks her into the eyes, “I love you. Very much.”

“I love you, too,” Lu smiles and leans in for a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> I don't remember whether Nadia found out about who took the video, but I wanted it addressed since a) it was horrible, and b) I don't want _anyone_ to be with someone who did something like that to them.


End file.
